I was going to end this blog next month in June the 15,my birthday.For some reason I feel I should end it now.I don’t want to blog anymore,I’ll still read other peoples blogs and leave comments and who knows I may even open up a new blog,except I wouldn’t be so free in sharing like I did with this one.
Next month I should get my divorce certificate and it would be exactly one year since I started a new chapter in my life.The year has been long and hard.I want to leave behind a few points I ‘think’ I have understood….
1) The art of being happy is one that has to always be taken care of,at times you will fall and even fall in to a deep ditch,don’t be ashamed to ask for help :)
2) We all make mistakes,the question is how do we react when the mistake is done? despair? hopelessness? hating ourselves? learning from our mistakes? …the most powerful tool I have found that works is in prayer..each time I pray,it humbles me and brings me a peace of mind.Through prayer I also find a solutions.
3) A woman means nothing to a man unless she is his wife.
4) My self respect,my integrity means more to me than anything in this world,no one deserves to take it away from me.
5) As a parent my responsbility comes first to my daughter.
6) Fake it until you make it ! Like for example even if you think your ugly,tell yourself every single day that your beautiful,until comes a day you will believe it and people will see it.
7) Be charitable with the people,its so rewarding.Ie,help a friend when she is down,help a woman on the street with her bags,bake a cake for your neighbour….
8) Pray,pray and pray,I really can not stress this enough to anyone,nothing works like prayer.
9) Never give up ! ,I once said to a woman that what I REALLY REALLY REALLY,want is to be so close to Allah and become his friend BUT I don’t feel I can ever be that,then I thought no,I may not be that now,or in a week or two weeks,but that does not mean I give up,I have to keep trying till I get there,I may even have to change my friends,I may even have to change my tactics but one thing for sure,never give up. So what ever it is you want,don’t give up on it.
10) If you want to start increasing an act of worship,start slowly and build on it.Create a schedule that works for YOU.
11) Be sincere with your self first,so then you can be sincere to others.
12) Have a bad habit? Have one to many bad habits? ok,give up one a month…..if that doesn’t work then try giving up one every two months and ask a close friend of yours to monitor you.Don’t be hard on yourself with regards to your bad habit,it won’t change anything,instead think long term,you will slowly give it up.
13) Finally the last and final one,Love yourself,be kind to yourself and be grateful for everything you have.Every time you feel really low,call a good positive friend and get them to remind you of all the good things you have in your life.We are all humans at the end of the day and we will always need constant reminding.
That’s it I guess,these points are a reminder for myself first,than to everyone else :)
The kalmullah one I have been listening to the lectures there recently and really benefiting.
I think about death nearly every day,I know I’m morbid! I don’t really talk about death but the thought of death keeps me going,I know one day ‘all’ of this will be over,I guess that’s the comfort that death gives me.Than my mum calls me and tells me that my Bibi has died in Iraq.My Bibi died this morning.I didn’t cry,I didn’t feel anything.I have never met her,that made me feel sad.
Baba had booked himself a flight that leaves at 7.20pm so I went over to day and spent the day with him.Baba was totally fine and said he will be back in a month.I felt sad about him leaving,but he wants to be there for the burial.Whenever my dad leaves the country I feel nervous at whether he will be back. A father gives a child a feeling of security, even though I’m a grown woman,my dad gives me a feeling of security that no one has been able to give me.
If I lost my dad I don’t think I would know how to manage.Its strange that I am writing this but it really hit me to day that my dad means a lot to me.I’m the odd one out of the family,in one way I feel part of the family but then as soon as some one passes away in the family they start to raise eyebrows at me and question our religious differences.
Shias do things differently when some one dies and they want me to join them.I can’t compromise my religious beliefs even if it is for my familly,it really hurts when I say ‘no.’ Baba says ‘may one day Allah guide you’ and I say ‘yes if I am wrong may Allah guid me.’
I woke up this morning feeling exhausted,I think its due to over exercising,so to day I gave myself a break from it.I decided to take my daughter to the shopping centre.I have not been there in a long time,the weather is not great and I thought lets go for a coffee and buy some staples from the stationery shop.
I understand why women enjoy shopping,I like material things to and at the same time I don’t.I find shops very depressing and at the same time when I see something I like I do want to buy it.I guess one may ask why I have so many mixed feelings towards shopping centres?
Well its like this,on one hand I like looking nice,so I buy nice clothes,accessories and toiletries.Than the other side of me , sees how material things are just so temporary.Shopping centres look so delightful to the eyes,the goods on the shelves look so attractive and the clothes they place on the mannequins,are all ways to attract you to come inside and buy.
How many times have I bought something,that at first it felt so great to own,then after a few days or maximum a few weeks,that pleasurable feeling is no more.Material things deceive you,they promise you happiness,popularity and beauty,but like everything it fades away.
I noticed this even with food.I love cooking because I enjoy creating new flavours,recently I got so bored of food,that I had to think up new recipes.I missed the Italian smell of sun dried tomatoes,Basil,Parmesan cheese and Pasta.As I was cooking to day,I thought how temporary food gives you pleasure.Soon I would get bored of such flavours and go back to Arabic food.
Life is such an illusion,you constantly struggle to stay happy,you constantly struggle to stay at peace with yourself.You have to work hard to keep your life together.There’s a hadeeth that the pleasure of this life is a good spouse,spacious home and a vehicle that you can travel with.
So I guess when I make dua I will ask Allah for those things.There is one thing I am sure of I will never trust anything to make me happy,nor will I allow myself to be deluded by life,although its not always easy.
People ask about me
they wonder were I get my strength from
they see me smile and wonder why?
they view me as strong
and assume I’m always happy
but they don’t notice me
when I’m broken
they think I have a wonderful life
they think I’m strong
but they don’t know the chaos
that goes on
they never saw the tears
I have shed
nor the thoughts that torment me
I look blissful to the people
but they don’t see how broken I really am….
What does it mean to be a woman?
I wonder, what does it really mean to be a woman?
is it the strength we have to put on?
is it the feminism that we are fed?
is it the submissiveness to man ?
Can I be a pious woman,with out being trampled on?
can I be loved with out being used?
what has Allah defined the woman?
the daughter,sister,mother and wife…
can I be a perfect role in every one of them?
do I have to lose my character for me to be accepted?
what makes a great a woman?
her beauty? her personality? her strength?
I guess in time I will understand where my place really is
I ask Allah to make me ,shape me how he wants me to be…
There was a point where I literally had enough of living,where I felt so tired and thought ENOUGH! What is worse is that I’m only in my 20’s and feeling this way.Anyways I came across this email that really put things in perspective for me and hope it will to for you…….
”A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggl ing. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.
She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.
She pulled the eggs out and pl aced them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me, what do you see?”
“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, “Wha t does it mean, mother?”
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity .. boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
“Which are you?” she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?”
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot tha t seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, wh en things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches”
My parents are re doing the whole house.I think it is about time to! They want me to sew all of there curtains.The first task they have given me is to sew the curtains in the living room.Now curtains are easy to make,parents are not easy to please! hehehehh I took them shopping to all the Haberdashery stores I know that sold quality curtain material.
My dad as usual had no interest in designs, all he wanted was a nice piece of material that did the job.Me and my mum how ever were talking about designing the place and really changing those tacky curtain runners,that you attach the curtains to.My dad how ever was like ‘no,it means I have to change the whole thing’ bla bla bla ,I then go to my mum ‘its your house! your the woman,your going to design it and make it nice, don’t worry I’ll talk to Baba.’
We looked at these beautiful accessory’s that you can add to the curtain,then we talked about a whole different design for the window. I haven’t sewn curtains much,I told my family ‘look its going to take time,I need to make sure of what I’m doing.’ I sat with my neighbour last night with curtain material,she fell in love with it.She used to work in a curtain factory and she has full experience with curtains.
Then came the measuring of the windows,you would think that was a simple task,length and width.They have told me the measurements so many times,that now I have resorted to going down there myself and taking my measuring tape out. I can’t wait till there done.I’m not only known as the girl in the family that brings cheer to the house,I will also be known as the decorator! :)
That’s the curtain material so typical Iraqi.
I have totally dropped the idea of studying midwifery.The idea of not being there for my daughter,I just can’t take that.I gave it much thought,I thought about all my dreams that I had as a mother.I have to get my priorities right and check my intentions.If I study it is going to have to fit around my daughter.
Although a friend of mine,thinks I should drop the whole idea of education.At first I was furious with her,then I reflected and told her that is not a very wise move.We don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow,I feel the need to always prepare myself for the worse.My daughter will always come first,then my education…then everything else after that.
I remembered all my dreams I had for my daughter,then thought about how am I going to achieve them? how am I going to organise my life around her? how is it going to work? If I have to work,what type of work would I take up,with out it affecting my daughter.
I started to get stressed at first,being a parent is the hardest job and in my opinion a huge responsibility.This is another human being, a little one that needs watering and regular maintenance,until adulthood.I want to imagine my daughter as an adult,who do I want her to be? A beautiful image came to my mind of who I want her to be.I have so many fears for her,due to the fact she is a girl,and girls are not like boys….
For the past few weeks my very close friend had made several comments,including past comments that I had been ignoring.Then I had the last straw of it,I was seriously even thinking of cutting contact,but on peace terms.I had kept it bottled up,then yesterday I exploded! I sent her a text message,completely in in anger.I didn’t txt back because I was so tired and I would only type rubbish.
Then to day she texted me later on in the day asking me if I had calmed down and so on.I texted her back saying yes and explaining to her why I exploded on her.I have a bad habit which I only do with ‘her’,she says things that sometimes really gets on my nerves,then I ask myself why am I friends with her? Then I block out her ‘comments’ then one day I literally explode,which is usually due to another comment that triggers it off.
As usual she is left confused like ‘what was that all about?’ I am seriously thinking of ending our friendship,we both don’t understand each other ,I also feel we are not good for each other,I am surprised at myself for even considering this option.I just sometimes get so stressed out by her comments,she always states her opinion like they are a fact,it drives me nuts! I also sometimes feel put down by her,which I really don’t need.
There are a lot of good qualities about her….hmm I don’t really know what to do.I think I need a break,from our friendship.